Tim Vine and his great one-liners. 

Tim Vine is an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his quick-fire puns and his role on the BBC series Not Going Out. He is also rather hilarious. Here are 15 funny one-liners of his that made me chuckle. 

  • Exit signs? They’re on the way out!
  • Black Beauty? Now there’s a dark horse!
  • Velcro? What a rip-off!
  • Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
  • I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
  • I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again
  • Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes
  • So I said to a Scottsman ‘did you have terrible spots as a kid?’ He said ‘ac ne’
  • The phone was ringing. I picked it up and said: “Who’s speaking please?” And a voice said: “You are.” 
  •  The advantage of easy origami is two-fold…
  • I went to the doctor. I said to him: “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said: “You’ve got cholera.” 
  •  I bought a train ticket and the driver said: “Eurostar.” I said: “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”
  • Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said “Parking Fine”. So that was nice.
  • I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death!
  • Beware of Alphabet Grenades; if you throw them, it could spell disaster

Thanks for the Orgy Shirt

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 You know what Mums are like; they live th spoil their kids. And when they have a girl, Mum’s enjoy that special gift of being able to indulge in buying clothes.  This continues no matter how old their child is. 

One mum decided to buy a nice t-shirt for her 18-year-old daughter, Katie.

It was even a designer one  too – Vivienne Westwood in fact – I know right, so fancy but pretty trendy at the same time – with a lovely gold pattern (I am definitely heterosexual! Honest!) 
But what Mum hadn’t noticed was that the pattern was actually depicting a huge orgy. 


Yep, it’s A LOT of people bumping uglies in the name of fashion. 

As you can see from the tweet above, it actually caused a bit of a stir online being retweeted over 3000 times and liked nearly 6000 times. 

One thing that caught people’s attention (if you look carefully at the top picture) is that one of the depictions is in fact a dog. What a dog is doing there is anyone’s guess. But I think that Vivienne Westwood’s design here is rather questionable. 

Apparently her Mum has found it hilarious. 


For those interested in this bizarre shirt, apparently it is actually made for men and has a retail value of just less than £50. So, if you so desire, go buy yourself a kinky shirt. 

Bras and Boobs (A poem) – not to be taken seriously 

They hold within objects so dear

To many a man who likes a woman 

And in a multitude of materials woven

and colours so varied for one to lust. 

As to whether their support is needed

I am not one to offer judgement 

Though when I see one; or just a strap

My mind begins to wander over

Yes, what they hold will sink a man 

and make him surrender all his honour

Those cushion hammocks are to plunder

If only she would take my number.

A cheeky thought had crossed my mind 

That beauty is far more than a teet

But bouncing bossoms will take me under 

Oh what a sight; a glorious treat. 

Don’t Shoot Me Santa Claus

Okay my dear friends!

Christmas time is closing in. And in the spirit of this wonderful time of the year, I wanted to share with you one of my favourite Christmas songs!

I give to you ‘Don’t Shoot Me Santa” by The Killers

 

If you’re interested in the lyrics, they are (with thanks to azlyrics.com)

Oh Santa
I’ve been waiting on you
That’s funny kid
Because I’ve been coming for you

Oh Santa
I’ve been killing just for fun
Well the party’s over kid
Because I
Because I got a bullet in my gun
A bullet in your what?

Santa’s got a bullet in his gun
You know it, Santa’s got a bullet in his gun

Don’t shoot me Santa Claus
I’ve been a clean living boy
I promise you
Did every little thing you asked me to
I can’t believe the things I’m going through

Don’t shoot me Santa Claus
Well no one else around believes me
But the children on the block they tease me
I couldn’t let them off that easy

Oh Santa
It’s been a real hard year
There just ain’t no gettin’ around this
Life is hard
But look at me
I turned out alright

Hey Santa
Why don’t we talk
Believe me
This ain’t what I wanted
I love all you kids, you know that
Hell, I remember when you were just 10 years old
Playing out there in the desert
Just waiting for a sip of that sweet Mojave rain
In the sweet Mojave rain
The boy was on his own

Don’t shoot me Santa Claus
I’ve been a clean living boy
I promise you
Did every little thing you asked me to
I can’t believe the things I’m going through

Don’t Shoot me Santa Claus
Well no one else around believes me
But the children on the block they tease me
I couldn’t let them off that easy

They had it coming
So why can’t you see?
I couldn’t turn my cheek no longer
The sun is going down and Christmas is near
Just look the other way and I’ll disappear forever

Woo!

Don’t shoot me Santa Claus
Well no one else around believes me
But the children on the street they tease me
I couldn’t let them off that easy

Believe me
Santa
Santa

President Elect Donald J Trump didn’t realise WWE stunt was a work – oh dear…

Deadspin has published a new article reflecting on an interview with WWE Superstar and Executive Vice President of Talent Triple H on the“Opie and Anthony Show”. This interview was of particular note as Triple H discussed the infamous WWE angle which saw Vince McMahon’s limousine explode at the end of a Raw broadcast that took place back in 2007. 

The angle was meant to be the next big storyline in the WWE at the time with the company supposedly wanting it to culminate with an elaborate and dramatic “funeral” for Mr. McMahon on Raw. The storyline was then scrapped because of the real and tragic Chris Benoit double murder suicide.

So what is the merit of the story for none wrestling fans and what does it have to do with The President Elect Donald Trump?

Well, it gets interesting when Triple H discussed how many people bought into the limousine angle. He said that a number of people believed it to be legitimate (despite it being broadcast on a storyline driven television show). He also said this of President elect Donald Trump:


“What kills me is so many people [believed it]. I’m not kidding you, Trump called and was like, ‘Did something happen to Vince?’”



That’s right! Your future President was unsure whether a WWE storyline was in fact fake or real. But that’s not scary right? Because I’m sure there were other intelligent people out there that might have been concerned that the owner of a multinational multi million dollar corporation was blown up live to audiences worldwide at the very end of the show. For those that are intrigued to see the confusing piece of footage, the video is posted below. 

As you can see, Mr McMahon is filmed walking  backstage past multiple WWE superstars before being directed by an employee that his limo was in fact the other way. Later, after the limo explodes, the camera lingers on the burning wreck rather than, you know, cutting away from the “tragedy”. It’s completely believable – said no one ever. 


Let’s just hope that before a military briefing, no one lets the future President watch any James Bond movies or Red Dawn for the sake of peace. Lord knows what would happen if he saw Starship Troopers. He might think it was a documentary?

 

Naked Czech Man High on LSD channels his inner tiger

Forget the hidden camera shows, what went on in the Czech Republic recently was rather beyond that. As Tony the Tiger would say “It’s GRRREAAATT!”

A hidden camera left in a forest to snap pictures of animals in the wild ended up capturing pictures of a naked man who thought he was a tiger after taking LSD.

The man, identified only as Marek H from the Czech Republic, allegedly took the drug to try and treat his depression. Poor guy!

After taking the hallucinogenic drug, the man reportedly ran off into a forest, stripped naked and starting acting like a tiger….And if that wasn’t bad enough, the footage was found when foresters looked back at footage and from there they contacted the police. 


According to local reports, the 21-year-old man admitted to police that he had taken the hallucinatory drug LSD and that it made it feel like he had become a Siberian tiger. Indeed he allegedly told the police that with the drug his “true personality woke up” and that he realised he had always been connected to them. Apparently he stripped naked and wandered the forest because he had picked up a scent. Of what, we can only speculate. Perhaps it was cheeseburgers. 


In eight hours he is believed to have travelled 15 and a half miles along the Czech-Polish border, in a forested area. The man was fined by police since he was not caught in possession. Furthermore, he has been banned from watching Life of Pi

Did Only Fools and Horses predict the future? (Americans must read this too!)

Is Donald Trump….Damien Derek Trotter?


I would never have put those two names together when this episode was original broadcast in 1996. But scarily, there seem to be similarities. 

Check out this video (well, the first 6 minutes). 

Is it me or is there a scary similarity? Both have their own Towers which is their HQ. Both will market anything for a quick buck (Trump steaks anyone?) and both have a deep love for China. 


I am scared. 

A poem about bras

I am trying to write a poem about bras but I can’t make it funny enough. It is really bumming me out.

Who would have thought writing a poem about bras could be so hard? Or that it would be so hard to get something to rhyme with “squishable pillows”.

No, my minder is not in the gutter! Do not look at me that way. I am simply an artist and this blog is my canvas.

I’ll get there…eventually…right?!