Tim Vine and his great one-liners. 

Tim Vine is an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his quick-fire puns and his role on the BBC series Not Going Out. He is also rather hilarious. Here are 15 funny one-liners of his that made me chuckle. 

  • Exit signs? They’re on the way out!
  • Black Beauty? Now there’s a dark horse!
  • Velcro? What a rip-off!
  • Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
  • I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
  • I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again
  • Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes
  • So I said to a Scottsman ‘did you have terrible spots as a kid?’ He said ‘ac ne’
  • The phone was ringing. I picked it up and said: “Who’s speaking please?” And a voice said: “You are.” 
  •  The advantage of easy origami is two-fold…
  • I went to the doctor. I said to him: “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said: “You’ve got cholera.” 
  •  I bought a train ticket and the driver said: “Eurostar.” I said: “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”
  • Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said “Parking Fine”. So that was nice.
  • I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death!
  • Beware of Alphabet Grenades; if you throw them, it could spell disaster

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Arrogance (Poem)

I’m just so sexy 

You know it’s true. 

I may be fat 

And hairy too

But I don’t care

That’s who I am 

I’m not a fraud 

But what a man. 

I’ve got the brains 

A boffin prince

I am unique

The last in print. 

Just call me Barry,

Like Manilow 

Now be my Mandy 

Third base we’ll go

So now I’ll end 

This glorious piece

I know your love

Will never cease. 

 😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘

And Bahahahahahaha. 

Inspired by the theme song of Tyler Breeze. 

Eddaz (the poem) (as promised)

Eddaz is a hottie

Though strangely I’ve never seen her

She could blue or green or pink 

But what’s that even matter. 

Her posts are sometimes saucy 

Maybe a lil bit naughty 

Sometimes they simply hit the spot 

She simply can’t exhaust me!

I promised her a ditty

But instead I made this rhyme. 

It might be slightly tacky 

But I did it in no time. 

So hopefully she is smiling 

Or maybe even laughing 

Because this was made thinking of her 

And my words I am exhausting.