Tim Vine is an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his quick-fire puns and his role on the BBC series Not Going Out. He is also rather hilarious. Here are 15 funny one-liners of his that made me chuckle.
- Exit signs? They’re on the way out!
- Black Beauty? Now there’s a dark horse!
- Velcro? What a rip-off!
- Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
- I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
- I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again
- Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes
- So I said to a Scottsman ‘did you have terrible spots as a kid?’ He said ‘ac ne’
- The phone was ringing. I picked it up and said: “Who’s speaking please?” And a voice said: “You are.”
- The advantage of easy origami is two-fold…
- I went to the doctor. I said to him: “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said: “You’ve got cholera.”
- I bought a train ticket and the driver said: “Eurostar.” I said: “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”
- Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said “Parking Fine”. So that was nice.
- I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death!
- Beware of Alphabet Grenades; if you throw them, it could spell disaster