Damn you Chinese Takeaway: the trial of gluten free takeaway food


I’ve been gluten free for the past five years now as a consequence of my body breaking down one Wednesday morning and deciding that gluten was no longer going to be tolerated. Why? I will never know but you’ve got to just get on with these things…right?

One thing that came upon me when I became intolerant to gluten was the difficulty I would have in finding decent Chinese food. In fact, except for my time in the United States (God bless America), I was unable to find authentic Chinese gluten free food which is weird. I mean, I am sure people from China have a similar variation of gluten tolerance to us in the west. Basically, I came to the conclusion that the British are just incredibly bad at catering for us. Then in late 2016, a miracle happened. There was a new Chinese takeaway opening up and it had GLUTEN FREE OPTIONS. Naturally, I was extremely excited and I called up that same day to try and place an order. And okay, they didn’t have much in the way of noodle dishes but they did have tasty beef with chilli and quite frankly that was something to be excited about. Since then, I had eaten there three times with little variation on what I ordered. It was tasty. I didn’t finish the night in agony and it left me very satisfied. Victory me right? Well…

I tried to make an order this evening. My Mum had told us on Tuesday that she fancied a Chinese so naturally I was very excited. I finish work early, grab the phone and call up to place an order……and I’m told that the tasty beef in chilli is now NOT gluten free. Err, what the hell? So obviously I panicked. My first thought was that they had fed me BS on the previous occasions and that the food I was eating actually had gluten in it. I had to call back and clarify but I went along the lines that IF it had gluten in it, then I would have been ill…right? The lady that runs the phones answered once again and we discussed what happened and she told me that they had changed their supplier and that the new sauce they are using has wheat flour in it. I’m sceptical to be honest but I have to go along the lines that IF there had been gluten in it, I’d have probably been severely ill. I was devastated more with the fact though that I no longer was able to enjoy the meal that I had become so satisfied with. The replacement, beef cooked with pepper in a black bean sauce really didn’t the spot. Oh, and guess what. Tonight, I also have stomach cramps so I’m feeling very bitter. 

At least tomorrow is Friday right?

This meal just made me cross my legs

You’ve heard food horror stories before. You know what I mean. I remember one from a time when I was no more than ten and my friend’s mum took me and her son for some Kentucky Fried Chicken after we spent the day bowling. Just as I was about to chow down on my chicken and beans, she asks “David, have you ever heard the KFC mouse story?” “No?” I reply and all of a sudden, I’m filled with dread. She then tells us a story about a KFC store in Kettering where a customer bought a bucket of chicken to find that one of her drumsticks is actually a mouse covered in breadcrumbs. That’s right. A MOUSE. I for the life of me had no idea why she felt the need to share that story, especially while we were eating there. Even more so considering she wasn’t the wealthiest of parents and that she had just paid for the meal. I don’t know, maybe she was some sort of masochist but I never looked at KFC the same way again. It certainly was NOT finger licking good. 

But today, a new story has emerged and while it was not anything to do with KFC, it did bring back memories of deep frying but I suppose in a exponentially more horrific sense. 

I give to you…the penis…in the pork?*


*Okay, now I’m not actually sure that is a real penis but the similarity is disturbing. I can only imagine how the diner, who is only known as Akousa, must have felt when she picked this up. 

The lady of the story had purchased a tub of Tuo Zaafi, an ethnic dish, which she purchased  from a chop house in the suburb of Pokuase in Accra, Ghana. And she explained how she had eaten the rest of her soup when she came to her last piece, only to have a very nasty surprise. 

She told her family about the mystery sausage who advised her that it would be best for her to feed it to the dogs. Jokingly I presume! Anyway, after some deliberation, her brother advised her to send the item either to the police or to a laboratory to test it. 


Her sister took the item to her friend, a lab technician who explained that unfortunately, because the item had been cooked, it would be impossible for them to see whether it was human or animal meat through a simple laboratory test. And while he further explained that a forensic test could be done to better investigate it, the family did not want to go through the beaurocratic procedures and did the next best thing – took it home and put it in the freezer!!!! The publisher of this story was also unfortunately to clarify whether Akousa was blessed with big hands or whether this item is just small. It’s probably for the best that size doesn’t matter!

Source: The Daily Mirror

Attack of the Salad Dressing

A woman claims to have been “attacked” by her salad dressing. And no, it didn’t try to grab her on the p….never mind. It wasn’t that sort of orange anyway. 

Divel McLean was hoping to rustle up some dinner when the bottle, which she says was “possessed”, exploded.
β€œI heard pop, pop, pop. I looked up, it was possessed. It was going crazy. It was shooting up in the air, to the side,” McLean told Fox19.
β€œIt sounded like a firecracker going off in the house. Real loud.”

McLean, who is from Wyoming in the US, said that the Dorothy Lynch-brand salad dressing attacked her when she opened the fridge.

McLean added that she snapped photographs of the scene of devastation afterwards. She is reported to have it made known that there was approximately Β£2,000, or $2,500 of damage caused to the home. I for one am shocked because I couldn’t even imagine Alien blood from the Ridley Scott classic could cause that much damage but she must have been pretty damn unlucky. But hey, that’s what $3 of sauce will get you. Saucy devastation. 


She later found out that the salad dressing had been recalled by the manufacturer. According to the Daily Mirror, it was recalled because bacteria in the product causes the liquid to bubble and spew out uncontrollably.

“I will never eat Dorothy Lynch again. That stuff is crazy,” McLean concluded. I always liked Paul Newman’s salad dressing to be completely honest. 
Source: The Mirror