Tim Vine and his great one-liners. 

Tim Vine is an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his quick-fire puns and his role on the BBC series Not Going Out. He is also rather hilarious. Here are 15 funny one-liners of his that made me chuckle. 

  • Exit signs? They’re on the way out!
  • Black Beauty? Now there’s a dark horse!
  • Velcro? What a rip-off!
  • Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
  • I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
  • I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again
  • Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes
  • So I said to a Scottsman ‘did you have terrible spots as a kid?’ He said ‘ac ne’
  • The phone was ringing. I picked it up and said: “Who’s speaking please?” And a voice said: “You are.” 
  •  The advantage of easy origami is two-fold…
  • I went to the doctor. I said to him: “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said: “You’ve got cholera.” 
  •  I bought a train ticket and the driver said: “Eurostar.” I said: “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”
  • Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said “Parking Fine”. So that was nice.
  • I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death!
  • Beware of Alphabet Grenades; if you throw them, it could spell disaster

If you could invite 5 famous people to a dinner party, who would they be and why?

Okay folks, I’m looking for some interaction here with my peeps so I hope you humour me here. The rules, well, I’m going to say that they have to alive. I know that takes away some really cool people BUT it also will help to narrow down things a bit. Please please please DO post your ideal guests too, I really want to read them. 

So! Who would I pick for my amazing dinner party and why?

1. Al Gore

Al Gore is a champion for climate change and probably one of the most unluckiest people never to be president of the United States. I believe, like Hilary Clinton, he also won the popular vote but as we know, that does make for a hill of beans in this world. Regardless, besides the fact that he made An Inconvenient Truth which is AMAZING by the way, he has been a staunch advocate of supporting the fight against climate change. Not only has he founded businesses for sustainable living, he has tirelessly worked on increasing awareness and I would just love to speak with him and learn more of his experiences. 

2. President Obama

Okay, it’s just a coincidence that I have selected two politicians but I have SERIOUS man love for Barack Obama. I love the eloquent nature in which he puts himself forward and how he handles himself. He is obviously an incredibly smart man. Someone who came from not much, not only has he been the leader of the free world for two terms but he has managed to remain a great family man with a wonderful wife and two emotionally balanced children. Plus, I can imagine him being able to level with me. I think he’d be an immensely entertaining guest. 

3. Professor Sabine Bahn

Sabine Bahn is someone who you may have never heard of but she actually a phenomenal woman. She is a Professor at the University of Cambridge and the Laboratory Head at the Cambridge Centre for Neuropsychiatric Research. Her work varies from computer modelling to her fascinating studies on molecular diagnostics for psychiatric disorders such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. As someone who is immensely interested in neuroscience, I would love to learn about her theories and studies and to hear her perspectives on the future of psychiatric diagnostics and treatment. 

4. Kim Kardashian

No no, hear me out. Literally, this would be like a case study. All I hear is that Kim is a smart business woman blah blah but I would be interested to know just how the mind works of a woman who marries a chipmunk (I mean Kanye West) and also gives birth to his children. I mean, come on….thinking you have a bit of Kanye West inside of you is terrifying. I figure I am most likely going to get what I expected from Kim but yet it would be interesting to see if the ditzy socialite woman you see on television is the same person when the cameras are off. 

5. Jennifer Lawrence

Okay, so this one is pretty much because I ❤️ Jennifer Lawrence. I’d say I’m sorry but I’m not sorry. She seems like a really fun and cute person. Her interviews always give me a good impression and she’s beautiful.  She has also been a strong advocate for equality especially in the acting business arguing that women should receive equal remuneration for their employment as men so she is not just a pretty face. My only reservation is that I’d be too shy to speak ha ha!

Who would YOU pick? Please let me know in the comments!

His and hers underwear

I recently came across an interesting blog post from Janaline’s world journey that had me quite perplexed. Why do you ask? Well I was perplexed because the post highlighted an odd trend in South Korea. A trend of matching his and hers underwear. “Surely not?” you cry! But it’s true. This investigative reporter had to find out more. After all, is it a trend localised to just South Korea? Or is this a metrosexual trend that is capturing the hearts and minds of people worldwide. These important questions had to be answered and by George, I will give you the answers. 

Believe it or not, matching couples’ underwear is NOT a trend just in South Korea. In fact, it’s a trend that has been on the increase globally. That’s right, Mr Joe Bloggs now wants his banana hammock to match his lady’s panties. In fact, major companies such as Etsy and Amazon have been selling these items now for quite some time.  But is it trendy or just plain weird?

Well…what do you think?

EXAMPLE 1.


 Fresh out of math camp, this girl and boy duo prove there is nothing more fun than hanging out at the beach together in matching undies. 


EXAMPLE 2.

This couple prove that even if you’re a man with a tattoo, you can still embrace your feminine side. Odd that she would match her knickers with her man but not want a matching bra. 


EXAMPLE 3.


No matter what his sexy partner wears, this fella will happily match. Even if it’s floral.   What a flower!


EXAMPLE 4.


Nothing says sexy like prancing horses. By the way, that dude is fixated on her ass. I mean, it’s a nice ass but be professional fella!

EXAMPLE 5.


Ello sailor. I guess this proves that the navy have matching underwear all the way down to the panties. But please, I don’t want to see that man salute. 

So there you are. I’m going to wash out my eyes now. Because it doesn’t matter how many semi naked women I see, it’s all ruined if there is a man with her. 

This is one bishop I wouldn’t go to…

Ghanaian preacher Daniel Obinim has been filmed performing a ritual where he moves around a room full of men, grabbing them each by the crotch. In some cases, he will keep hold of their penises and give them a little shake.

Apparently this is done because he is able to make men’s penises larger by massaging them with his hands. I kid you not. 

Graciously, he also offers to massage women’s breasts in order to enlarge them too.

In a scene broadcast on his own channel, Obinim TV, the bishop says: “If you do not like the looks of any part of your body, come to me”

“What do you want that I can’t offer? If you want big buttocks I can do it for you. If you want big breasts, I can help. If you have a small manhood, I can change them all when I come to the spiritual realm.”

Bishop Obinim founded the International God’s Way Church in the Ashanti region of Ghana and SHOCKINGLY has been criticised for his practices before. 

Here he is working his magic. 14 inches please!

Back to men’s underwear – now have a ruler

We live in a pretty vain world. Men and women will make a decision on a person based purely on how they look. Now don’t look shocked! I’m not saying YOU do this but you must at least admit that a number of people you know do this. Come on, be honest. 

And while women make get worked out over washboard abs, firm butts and perky breasts (amongst other things I’m sure), men worry about muscles, abs and obviously – schlong size. That’s right, men worry about that. Why? Well because the size of your ding-a-ling is a reflection of your masculinity to many men. No one wants to be told “it’s not the size that counts but how you use it”. Men with large johnsons will smirk and say “you’re just saying that because you are small down there!” Not to mention, girls are quite often pretty upfront with the fact that bigger is usually better as long as bigger isn’t a whale penis. This fact is usually quite depressing to the average man (the average penis is roughly 5-5.5 inches long apparently). 

What does this have to do with underwear you ask? Well! Bring in Stance. If you don’t know who Stance are, they are an American clothing brand that sells, amongst other things, comfortable underwear. They even do patriotic pants as seen below. 


And sure, if the Stars and Stripes aren’t enough for you to raise your preverbial flagpole first thing in the morning, they do a whole range of stuff including this snazzy number. 


HOWEVER, behind the facade of lovely comfy undies is something much more sinister. It comes in the shape of…..A RULER. 

“A RULER?” you cry? Yes a ruler. The perfect thing a man needs to make a man’s underwear purchasing just that bit more exciting. And it is not just any old ruler, it’s a 9 inch ruler which as you know is the number that most men lie about having on Plenty of Fish. 


So why would Stance provide a ruler with your undies? Is it because nothing says new undies like measuring your meat? I don’t know. But I find it really weird. I mean imagine buying a new bra and it coming with a pair of my hands to measure your cup size? It’s a bit crazy right? 

All I can say; nay, all I can hope is that any man who doesn’t use that ruler to draw lines but instead takes it upon himself to measure himself up, I sure hope he throws it away afterwards. 

Yours sincerely,

A silly man. 

Don’t Shoot Me Santa Claus

Okay my dear friends!

Christmas time is closing in. And in the spirit of this wonderful time of the year, I wanted to share with you one of my favourite Christmas songs!

I give to you ‘Don’t Shoot Me Santa” by The Killers

 

If you’re interested in the lyrics, they are (with thanks to azlyrics.com)

Oh Santa
I’ve been waiting on you
That’s funny kid
Because I’ve been coming for you

Oh Santa
I’ve been killing just for fun
Well the party’s over kid
Because I
Because I got a bullet in my gun
A bullet in your what?

Santa’s got a bullet in his gun
You know it, Santa’s got a bullet in his gun

Don’t shoot me Santa Claus
I’ve been a clean living boy
I promise you
Did every little thing you asked me to
I can’t believe the things I’m going through

Don’t shoot me Santa Claus
Well no one else around believes me
But the children on the block they tease me
I couldn’t let them off that easy

Oh Santa
It’s been a real hard year
There just ain’t no gettin’ around this
Life is hard
But look at me
I turned out alright

Hey Santa
Why don’t we talk
Believe me
This ain’t what I wanted
I love all you kids, you know that
Hell, I remember when you were just 10 years old
Playing out there in the desert
Just waiting for a sip of that sweet Mojave rain
In the sweet Mojave rain
The boy was on his own

Don’t shoot me Santa Claus
I’ve been a clean living boy
I promise you
Did every little thing you asked me to
I can’t believe the things I’m going through

Don’t Shoot me Santa Claus
Well no one else around believes me
But the children on the block they tease me
I couldn’t let them off that easy

They had it coming
So why can’t you see?
I couldn’t turn my cheek no longer
The sun is going down and Christmas is near
Just look the other way and I’ll disappear forever

Woo!

Don’t shoot me Santa Claus
Well no one else around believes me
But the children on the street they tease me
I couldn’t let them off that easy

Believe me
Santa
Santa

President Elect Donald J Trump didn’t realise WWE stunt was a work – oh dear…

Deadspin has published a new article reflecting on an interview with WWE Superstar and Executive Vice President of Talent Triple H on the“Opie and Anthony Show”. This interview was of particular note as Triple H discussed the infamous WWE angle which saw Vince McMahon’s limousine explode at the end of a Raw broadcast that took place back in 2007. 

The angle was meant to be the next big storyline in the WWE at the time with the company supposedly wanting it to culminate with an elaborate and dramatic “funeral” for Mr. McMahon on Raw. The storyline was then scrapped because of the real and tragic Chris Benoit double murder suicide.

So what is the merit of the story for none wrestling fans and what does it have to do with The President Elect Donald Trump?

Well, it gets interesting when Triple H discussed how many people bought into the limousine angle. He said that a number of people believed it to be legitimate (despite it being broadcast on a storyline driven television show). He also said this of President elect Donald Trump:


“What kills me is so many people [believed it]. I’m not kidding you, Trump called and was like, ‘Did something happen to Vince?’”



That’s right! Your future President was unsure whether a WWE storyline was in fact fake or real. But that’s not scary right? Because I’m sure there were other intelligent people out there that might have been concerned that the owner of a multinational multi million dollar corporation was blown up live to audiences worldwide at the very end of the show. For those that are intrigued to see the confusing piece of footage, the video is posted below. 

As you can see, Mr McMahon is filmed walking  backstage past multiple WWE superstars before being directed by an employee that his limo was in fact the other way. Later, after the limo explodes, the camera lingers on the burning wreck rather than, you know, cutting away from the “tragedy”. It’s completely believable – said no one ever. 


Let’s just hope that before a military briefing, no one lets the future President watch any James Bond movies or Red Dawn for the sake of peace. Lord knows what would happen if he saw Starship Troopers. He might think it was a documentary?